One of the most important lenses through which I try to see my kids is this: kids do well when they can. This means that when they aren't meeting my expectations, or when their behavior is confusing or difficult, instead of assuming that they are intentionally causing me trouble, creating conflict, or being lazy, I try to reframe the situation. I try to remember that they have reached the limits of their abilities.
For example, when a child responds to me in a mean or disrespectful way, I can choose to not take it personally, but rather assume that there is a justifiable reason for why they are having difficulty speaking respectfully. They are, after all, a child, still developing, still learning the basics. I try to react neutrally while noticing that they are communicating something about their own internal state. I don't need to correct them in the moment; perhaps later I'll bring it up.
"Hey, I thought you sounded kind of upset when we were talking earlier, everything ok?"
Sometimes they won't have anything to say about it, but sometimes they do. Kids are more likely to open up to parents who try to approach communication with curiosity and low demands. I find that if my kids are not meeting expectations, it can be because they are processing a confusing social dynamic from school, they are tired, or they are coping with other unseen stressors.
After all, isn't it true for adults too? When I am hungry, upset, busy, or overtired, I also reach the limits of my abilities to be patient and kind. Adults do well when they can too.
For further resources on this topic, I recommend checking out Collaborative Problem Solving at LivesInTheBalance.org